Fruitcake? Nevermore!
Author:
Jon Tschannen
illustration by Jonathan Carlson Shortly after Christmas, the citizens of Manitou Springs, Colorado, stage a fruitcake toss, in which entrants hurl the rocklike dessert into the air (a few even use catapults). And every year, local innkeeper Jon Tschannen reads this poem, “The Fruitcake” (which he wrote in 1995), on the radio. Once upon a late December, cold and dark as I remember,
Laptop Battery Yule log now to coals diminished casts dim shadows on the floor.
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Thinkpad Several hours after blessing, stuffed with turkey pie and dressing,
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Microsoft Tender abdomen caressing, I lay supine in the floor.
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Laptop Computers Yet one package to be opened, left this morning at my door;
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Laptop Computer Left mysteriously at the door.
Should have known; she always sends one. She cares not
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Desktop Computer if she offends some.
Notebooks Sent the same stale fruitcake that she always sent before.
Lenovo Sodden lump so misbegotten, red and green bits nearly rotten,
Hard Drive Crust like bark and dry as cotton: weevils couldn’t through it bore.
Travelstar God knows when she baked it or how long she kept it stored.
Gateway Mable’s fruitcake I abhor.
Why does Mable always send it? She knows well it will offend. It
Laptop Parts Must be punishment for some imagined slight from days before.
Software I recalled that wicked maven, somber countenance so craven,
Hard Drives Voice and visage like the raven; semblance to that bird she bore.
Electronics Since then, gastronomic punishment at Christmas I forswore:
Canon Mable’s fruitcake—nevermore.
Yet again, with season’s greetings, comes this thing
Desktop Pc I won’t be eating.
Desktop Computers Won’t be eating this concoction that old Mable labored o’er.
Think Pad Get away, thou foul confection! Here’s my ultimate rejection—
Repair Throwing arm is bent in flexion, now extended briskly fore.
Data Recovery Take thy stench from out my house, and feed the ravens evermore.
Give me fruitcake—nevermore.
